Category Archives: Humour

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

I opened up emotionally to my husband and told him how long it’s been since the check engine light turned on.

Good news: Averaging 10K steps a day on my fitness tracker. Bad news: 7,000 of those steps involve wandering around the house looking for my wallet, glasses, or car keys.

In the year 2005, I asked her what was wrong and she still hasn’t finished.

No one wants your attention more than a kid in the back seat of a vehicle you’re driving while you’re trying to locate an address.

When your wife says “When you have a minute” it’s wise to drop whatever you’re doing and immediately have a minute.

My kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

Husband couldn’t find the step ladder this morning cause apparently in the basement 18 inches to the left of the bottom step leaning against the wall wasn’t descriptive enough.

“Push me more medium-er” -3yo, on a swing, dropping perhaps the most 3yo-like comment imaginable.

“We have to start taking our health seriously in this family” I say to my husband as I throw back a handful of vitamins with my giant glass of wine.

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

[After dropping a container of blueberries all over the floor] 8 y/o: See! This is exactly why I wanted chips!

It’s so much easier to ignore my kids bickering when we’re on vacation because the crashing of the ocean waves drowns them out.

Pinterest activities for kids: 1 hour of set up 5 minutes of play 3 hours of cleanup

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game.

7: 3 is giving me the finger Me: he doesn’t know what that means 7: yes he does, I taught him.

Getting to Yes and Getting Past No.

Two great books to improve your chances of success in convincing others to support and engage in shenanigans with you.

You’ll discover new ways to negotiate your way from confrontation to cooperation when navigating the layered landscape of life.

You’ll have no regrets the morning after the night before.  

Even the most difficult person will say yes.

Getting Past No, William Ury, ISBN 0-553-37131-2

Getting to Yes, William Ury, ISBN 1-844-131467

i just need people to understand that before cell phones we had to call landlines and your friend’s parents would answer and YOU HAD TO TALK TO THEIR PARENTS until your friend came to the phone.

That’s amazing that your two year old is reading. Mine just threw a temper tantrum because I wouldn’t put his shoes on the wrong feet.

When my daughter was 3 she charged like $380 buying movies and shows on Amazon Prime. She is 13 going on 14 and she will be watching that content until she goes to college.

If you’re wondering what parenting is like, my 4-year-old just threw a tantrum and told me to go away and then threw a second tantrum because I went away.

People w babies are like “I’d love to do lunch, how’s 9:45am?”

Sometimes I miss having a toddler, but then I hear a toddler throwing a tantrum because “the moon keeps following me!” Then, I think, “ya, I’m good.”

Take your kids to the ocean so they can repeatedly ask to swim in the hotel pool.

3yo is currently having a meltdown because I won’t call the fire department to rescue a bird from a tree.

Once again I have an appointment at 1:30 so I have no choice but to spend all morning doing nothing.

My 3 year old just threw an epic tantrum because I called her popcorn a “snack” instead of dessert. In case you’re wondering what parenting is like.

Me: You wrote W-H-A-T-E-R. That’s not how you spell water. My 6-year-old: That’s how it SHOULD be spelled.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

McDonald’s forgot the chicken nuggets in my daughter’s happy meal and she said “well I guess this is a sad meal now”

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled? 7-year-old: Donuts.

My 5-year-old, “how bout we go to Target. You get yourself a drink or whatever you want and buy me a toy.” She knows how to work the system.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had.

Men will literally use your beauty products in the shower and not even know what it’s for. Leave my dark spot exfoliating scrub alone!!!!!

At school pick up Perfect Mum asked what I was giving the kids for dinner and I was about to make up something fancy when 5 said “probably sink spaghetti with floor cheese again” and skipped off to play with Freya.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky.

Changing my kids’ names to what my autocorrect thinks they should be.

Probably a good thing I’m going to therapy for my social anxiety if I want to cancel my first session due to social anxiety.

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

SOCIAL ANXIETY: omg are you ok ALCOHOL: you are great actually Two hours later… ALCOHOL: omg are you ok SOCIAL ANXIETY: you are home actually

Capturing my husband‘s attention is easy, I just refer to a screwdriver as a wrench.

Why are they called butterflies if they aren’t flies covered in butter? -My 6-year-old, starting off his summer vacation with the tough questions.

Husband: hey, what’s for dinner? Me: my signature dish Husband: so leftovers

Social anxiety = brain filibustering mouth’s turn to speak.

Dating: “Wanna share a strawberry smoothie?” Married: “Quit holding your coffee mug loudly!”

I hope everyone had a great weekend, except the random lady who assumed my 4yr old is my grandchild, I hope her weekend sucked.

New parents get to experience the utter joy a kid has going through a car wash for the first time. Experienced parents get the same but they also know to put the window lock on.

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids.

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

Me *overhearing my neighbour’s 3 yr old daughter having a mega tantrum: So glad I’m past the toddler years. Teen: Screams, slams their bedroom door, storms off down the stairs and screams one more time Also Me: The irony of this moment is not lost on me.

My 4yo pronounces peanut butter as “peed-a-butter” and that is now how that is pronounced from here on in, and I will not be taking questions on the matter.

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad.

I say “this my song” to about 50 songs.

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind 6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

Whenever an article of clothing says “dry clean only” i like to test that theory by throwing it in the washing machine.

My pregnant wife asked for an Oreo so I brought her a single Oreo. Apparently this was a gross miscalculation on my part.

Me writing the beginning of my book: ooooh the plot thickens!! Me writing the middle of my book: hmm the plot thinnens

Daughter found out her teacher’s aide moved in nearby and she has been glued to the window watching his house. Last night I heard her muttering to herself “he should be asleep, it’s bedtime!”

Having a crush has cured my depression! now it’s anxiety’s time to shine.

I live closer to my sons school now. Lets see if I can actually get him there on time.

I told the liquor store guy about a drink I made with this gin he sold me and he was like, “Congratulations you invented a Tom Collins.”

Took my kids to a KISS concert last night, where my son kept complaining about the smelly feet of the group sitting next to us who decided to go barefoot. In unrelated news, my son doesn’t know what weed smells like.

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need.