Category Archives: Humour

Classic Dave Allen

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress….But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
  -Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
  -.George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ….which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
  -G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
  -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
  -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
  -P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
  -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it s tops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
          -Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
  -P.J. O’Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
  -Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
             -Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
  -Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.
  -Unknown

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with an insatiable appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
  -Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
  -Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
  -Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save Congress.
  -Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
  -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 – 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
  -Thomas Jefferson

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am.

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

“You’re driving 47 in a 45” is a very strange way for my husband to request to walk home.

People will tell you that childbirth is the most painful thing you can experience but after watching my toddler try to pick up peas with a fork I’m not so sure.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead.

What I say: Stay out of trouble for 10 minutes while I shower. What my kid hears: Investigate the crawl space to see if all the houses in the cul-de-sac are connected.

How dare my husband interrupt the story I decided to tell in the middle of his story.

employer: can u explain this gap in ur resume? me: yea that’s where i hit ‘Enter’ a bunch of times.

40% of my wife and I’s conversations go like this: me: what? wife: i was talking to the dog

My toddler just walked by saying ‘cinnamon bitch’ over and over, and I felt attacked until I realized he meant ‘son of a bitch.’ Crisis averted.

My wife wandered off 30 minutes ago in the grocery store, I have the shopping cart, her purse and cell phone. I guess I’m single now.

marriage is one person forgetting where they put something and the other accusing them they threw it out.

It’s very difficult to talk about staying within a budget with your husband when you have skeletons in your closet, specifically a 12-foot one, that you bought yesterday.

I just recited my wedding vows to my husband and emphasized the words “until death do us part” so he understands how serious I am about that last ice cream cone in the freezer.

Wife went on a girls’ trip and bought me a t-shirt that says, “Not as Bad as Some of the Other Husbands.”

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird.

One minute you’re excited that the kids are back in school and then 7 hours later you’re reading about a field trip that costs $140.

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

Deodorant was the only item labeled IMPORTANT on the packing list for my daughter’s camping field trip If that doesn’t sum up 3 days in the woods with 200 5th graders I don’t know what does.

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE.

7-year-old: I’m so excited for my field trip today. Me: Where are you going? 7: It doesn’t matter. It’s not at school.

We’re at that stage of marriage where I’m basically my husband‘s interpreter.

My son is going on a 4-day field trip with his class. In other words, I paid $435 for peace & quiet. Totally worth it.

Therapist: have you found time for self care this week? Me: I ate the fries out of my husband’s order while driving home alone with dinner. Therapist: *nods approvingly*

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

My wife might be taking the football season too far. I just got flagged for illegal use of a decorative hand towel.

My husband just came back from the grocery store and forgot milk, bread, eggs, and butter. Don’t worry though, he picked up 3 cases of Sam Adams Oktoberfest, so we’re good.

My mother-in-Law knows exactly where we live, unless there’s a natural disaster and then she’s like: there was a tsunami somewhere in the world, are you alright?

My husband and I aren’t really a showy couple but I just want to acknowledge that today he said I was “unbelievable” (I accidentally locked myself out of the house again).

My kids understand that the most important part of any five-minute chore is the forty-five minutes they spend fighting over who’s going to do it.

man at a bar: is this guy bothering you? my wife: yes.

My 4-year-old forgot the word microwave & called it a warm fridge instead.

Last night I sat my husband down and told him I wanted a 3rd kid. I’m so glad we both agreed to the kitchen reno.

Welcome to parenthood, if you don’t have applesauce or peanut butter on at least 6 surfaces in your home, they will be assigned to you shortly.

I accidentally used my husband’s body wash and now I get in my own way in the kitchen

Accidentally asked my coworker if they needed to go potty before a meeting I have to find a new job now.

My husband: Ready yet? Ready? About ready? We should go. How much longer do you need? Me: I’m ready. Let’s go. My husband: Okay. Let me just go to the bathroom first.

I asked 5 if he learned anything at school today. He thought for a bit then said “I learned if I kick Theo again I need to make sure Mrs Cobb isn’t watching”.

Husband: do you remember the other day, when I said.. Me: I remember everything you say for quality assurance purposes, go on..

My kids are currently arguing over whose blood tastes better based on who has more mosquito bites.

The best remedy for any kid’s illness is to take them to a doctor and watch all the symptoms magically disappear right as the exam begins.

If you’re giving me directions I won’t remember anything you say after the second turn.

8 and 11 were arguing for 15 minutes about what day it was. I didn’t interrupt because I don’t know the answer either.

Tonight’s a full moon. Any other ladies want to meet up at that abandoned moss-covered well in the ravine and summon a demon? I’ll bring a baked brie in puff pastry.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

Just ended day 7,000 of never having used the Pythagorean theorem.

The first five years of marriage is putting paint samples around the house and wondering if it goes with your credenza.

“the film received a 12min standing ovation” ok ? maybe they were clapping bc it was finally over.