Category Archives: Humour

I lived next to the same guy for 3 years. Thought his name was Steve. Called him Steve. His name is Steve in my phone. I’ve been to his place. We’ve had dinner. His name is Brian. His dog is Steve.

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

4yo, crying hot tears of frustration into her waffle: “I. DON’T. WANT. MORNING. AGAIN. Turn it off!”

Me ten years ago: one day I’ll find another fun-loving night owl and we’ll be the most exciting couple in town. Me to my husband just now: ok fine. We can go to bed at 7:30, I guess.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

i love when vets knock before they come into the room. like yes my dog is naked but she also arrived that way.

My kid got her half semester report card and it seems like extra math classes may be needed for me.

cars should have a mean horn and a nice horn.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.” They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

Learning that Paprika is just dried and crushed red bell peppers was really shocking. Like I dunno why I thought there was a Paprika tree somewhere.

Did you know, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid, that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords.

Mid 20s and single: This hotel has the best bar! Mid 30s with two kids: This hotel has the best pillows!!

The biggest thing about being in your 20s is that people in their 30s will, unprompted, say, “thank god i’m not in my 20s anymore,” and you just have to nod and be like haha ok.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams. Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams. Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

10s: [gets fishnet gloves with halloween witch costume] 20s: [buys fishnets for the club] 30s [uses fishnets to make thrifty produce bags] 40s Nets fish

In my 20s: Sad a boy I loved caused me heartache. In my 30s: Sad a food I loved caused me heartburn.

[covered in glitter] in my 20s: crazy night at the club in my 30s: craft night w/ my kids

I don’t often reconnect with old college buddies but when I do it’s because my wife asked me to get their new address because our Christmas card came back.

A minute of silence for all those husbands who believed in their wife saying, “no gifts for Christmas this year”

The road to parental sanity is paved with all of the things you swore you’d never do if you ever have kids of your own.

My 5yo asked my 9yo if he was eating spaghetti. My 9yo very disappointed, “it’s rigatoni… learn your pasta.” I didn’t know it was that serious.

Me: Completely silent for an hour. Husband: *turns on the tv* Me: Immediately asks him 20 questions.

So excited for my kids to go back to school and I especially like the part where they bring home a new illness for the next month.

I think the reason it’s cloudy is because the sun wanted to sleep longer. -my 4yo, the meteorologist.

wife: could you clear the table? me: ok but I’ll need a running start wife: what

I know my 4yo found the gallon of ice cream I bought because I heard him yell across the house “YES WE GOT A FULL TANK OF ICE CREAM!!”

I never really thought about couple’s therapy until my husband entered his third week of having a cough.

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions

Dating romance: share a candlelight dinner Married romance: devour a slice of cake together over the sink so you don’t have to share with your kids.

What were they thinking/smoking/drinking/eating when they named their Band/Singing Group?

Ocean Parrot

Door Chime

The Saggy Baggies

The Streekin Badgers

Opposing Bums

Not Wearing Pants

He’s Dead Jim

The Phoneups

Minor Murders

Eggplant Revenge

Nobody for President

Psycho Tsunami

Bare Wiz

Armageddon Day

Boot Knockers

Pink Slip

Expired Days

Slug Face

Quarterly Loss

Estrogen Express

Itsy Bitsy Spikers

Buckle Bunnies

The Salted Caramels

The Toothless Owls

The Disagreeable Grapes

The Vomiting Eagles

Dopey Dorks

Sisters before Misters

The Roadkill Souls

Smudged Windows

Purple Bunnies

The secret to a successful marriage is to call your wife seven times a day, to help her find her phone.

I took the kids out for the day so my husband could relax and apparently my husband’s interpretation of relaxing is relaxing and not doing 16 loads of laundry.

“I’ll see you later today” I whisper, as I pack a sandwich in my kid’s lunchbox.

I can’t pick up my dogs prescription because I can’t remember her date of birth. They won’t tell me it because patient privacy. She’s a dog. She won’t tell me it either.

Understanding baby/toddler/children’s shoe sizing requires an advanced degree that I do not have.

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

He’s making a list… He’s checking it twice… He left it at home. He’s texting his wife.

Did I blame my husband for not being able to find the pyjamas I was already wearing? Yes. But did I then pretend I meant a different pair of pyjamas? Also yes.

5 said she doesn’t need to go to school anymore because she can already count up to 10 and that’s enough because she probably won’t ever eat more than 10 cupcakes.

I started cleaning the house and then remembered that I have kids, I’ll try again in 18 years.

I used the old “I gave birth to you” on my daughter, she said “That was one time”.

One of the most painful things to witness around the holidays is hearing your wife confirm “Yes, that was me” to the credit card people.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?” – my child, about to be shook.

My husband said he was out of clean shirts and, turns out, saying he has my permission to use the washer 24/7 wasn’t the support he was looking for.

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

It’s always exciting when my husband hangs the mistletoe then leads me to it so I can take a picture of him kissing the dog.

[After dropping a container of blueberries all over the floor] 8 y/o: See! This is exactly why I wanted chips!

Me: I’m struggling with some demons today Wife: I thought I told you to stop calling our kids that.

The Christmas spirit really soots you.

This hot chocolate is delicious, may I have some myrrh?

This Christmas is orna-meant to be the best one yet.

You’re adorabell!

Who’s Santa’s favorite cartoon character? Chimney Cricket.

OH, DEER!

Don’t be rude-olph this holiday season!

I can feel the Christmas spirit from my head to my mistletoes!

I got my mind set on yule.

It’s impossibell to not feel festive right now.

Let’s make santamental Christmas memories.

“Rebel without a Santa Claus.”

Christmas is always a Claus for celebration.

It’s a simple case of Claus and effect.

No need to Claus a scene!

Be your best elf.

Did you hear about the elfabet change? Now there’s Noel!

Wishing elf and safety to everyone this season.

Coal in my stocking? Snow thanks.

There’s snow place like home for the holidays.

Do you snow what time it is?

For goodness flakes!

Fir real?!

Lighten up!

Everything’s looking tree-mendous for Christmas.

Think we can branch out this holiday season?

Watts up, doc?

Excited for Santa Paws to bring lots of treats.