The secret to a successful marriage is to call your wife seven times a day, to help her find her phone.

I took the kids out for the day so my husband could relax and apparently my husband’s interpretation of relaxing is relaxing and not doing 16 loads of laundry.

“I’ll see you later today” I whisper, as I pack a sandwich in my kid’s lunchbox.

I can’t pick up my dogs prescription because I can’t remember her date of birth. They won’t tell me it because patient privacy. She’s a dog. She won’t tell me it either.

Understanding baby/toddler/children’s shoe sizing requires an advanced degree that I do not have.

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

He’s making a list… He’s checking it twice… He left it at home. He’s texting his wife.

Did I blame my husband for not being able to find the pyjamas I was already wearing? Yes. But did I then pretend I meant a different pair of pyjamas? Also yes.

5 said she doesn’t need to go to school anymore because she can already count up to 10 and that’s enough because she probably won’t ever eat more than 10 cupcakes.

I started cleaning the house and then remembered that I have kids, I’ll try again in 18 years.

I used the old “I gave birth to you” on my daughter, she said “That was one time”.

One of the most painful things to witness around the holidays is hearing your wife confirm “Yes, that was me” to the credit card people.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?” – my child, about to be shook.

My husband said he was out of clean shirts and, turns out, saying he has my permission to use the washer 24/7 wasn’t the support he was looking for.

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

It’s always exciting when my husband hangs the mistletoe then leads me to it so I can take a picture of him kissing the dog.

[After dropping a container of blueberries all over the floor] 8 y/o: See! This is exactly why I wanted chips!

Me: I’m struggling with some demons today Wife: I thought I told you to stop calling our kids that.