Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday.

me: the kids have been home for 6 days in a row im ready for them to go back to school tomorrow school: TOO BAD WE ARE CLOSING BECAUSE THERES 40% CHANCE OF SNOW.

Me: I cleaned today so we’re ordering take out tonight. Husband: Why? Me: I’ll be taking no more questions at this time.

Before I was married, I didn’t know you had to go to the grocery store “with a plan”

When my wife and I want to watch a movie after 8PM our first question is how long is it.

As I was fiddling with buttons & cursing at my Instant Pot my husband had the gall to ask me if I’d read the instructions. I mean … I didn’t, but how *DARE* he?!?

I have one intelligent child who is designing a parachute and, putting this as politely as I can, I have another child willing to try the parachute.

My daughter laughed at my new Birkenstocks but if it hadn’t been for my Birks and hemp anklet catching her mom’s eye in 1996, she may not even exist.

If by crossfit, you mean vacuuming the house while holding a toddler that doesn’t want to be held but also doesn’t want to be set down then yes, I do crossfit.

Me to my kids: it’s important to be flexible and embrace new experiences Also me, when the deli next to my job gets new coffee cups: MY DAY IS RUINED

last night 8 and 9 rated my dinner a 9. i felt great until i realized the scale they were using was 1 through 2,000. that’s a bullshit range.