McDonald’s forgot the chicken nuggets in my daughter’s happy meal and she said “well I guess this is a sad meal now”

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled? 7-year-old: Donuts.

My 5-year-old, “how bout we go to Target. You get yourself a drink or whatever you want and buy me a toy.” She knows how to work the system.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had.

Men will literally use your beauty products in the shower and not even know what it’s for. Leave my dark spot exfoliating scrub alone!!!!!

At school pick up Perfect Mum asked what I was giving the kids for dinner and I was about to make up something fancy when 5 said “probably sink spaghetti with floor cheese again” and skipped off to play with Freya.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky.

Changing my kids’ names to what my autocorrect thinks they should be.