I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Me *overhearing my neighbour’s 3 yr old daughter having a mega tantrum: So glad I’m past the toddler years. Teen: Screams, slams their bedroom door, storms off down the stairs and screams one more time Also Me: The irony of this moment is not lost on me.
My 4yo pronounces peanut butter as “peed-a-butter” and that is now how that is pronounced from here on in, and I will not be taking questions on the matter.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad.
I say “this my song” to about 50 songs.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind 6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Whenever an article of clothing says “dry clean only” i like to test that theory by throwing it in the washing machine.
My pregnant wife asked for an Oreo so I brought her a single Oreo. Apparently this was a gross miscalculation on my part.
Me writing the beginning of my book: ooooh the plot thickens!! Me writing the middle of my book: hmm the plot thinnens
Daughter found out her teacher’s aide moved in nearby and she has been glued to the window watching his house. Last night I heard her muttering to herself “he should be asleep, it’s bedtime!”
Having a crush has cured my depression! now it’s anxiety’s time to shine.
I live closer to my sons school now. Lets see if I can actually get him there on time.
I told the liquor store guy about a drink I made with this gin he sold me and he was like, “Congratulations you invented a Tom Collins.”
Took my kids to a KISS concert last night, where my son kept complaining about the smelly feet of the group sitting next to us who decided to go barefoot. In unrelated news, my son doesn’t know what weed smells like.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need.