Are you telling me there are people who return home from a trip and unpack their suitcase that day instead of slowly across weeks or months as they remember they need something out of it?

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

It’s called paid time off because anytime you get time off you end up paying for it when you get back.

Being a mom must be wild. you go thru pregnancy and labor and years of raising a vulnerable helpless child and then they become an adult just to call you every day with questions “hi should I put apples in the fridge??”

Welcome back from vacation, you’ll be caught up on laundry again in 46 months.

The year was 2011. I was 18. I had practiced asking my dad if I can go on holiday with my friends for weeks now. I finally get the courage and ask. My heart is pounding!!!! He looks at me and then goes “I want you to watch a film called Taken”

Difference between being on vacation and being back home: Last night I had a 10-oz filet mignon for dinner. Tonight I had Fruity Pebbles.

In case you’ve ever doubted the brilliance of a toddler, mine just told me that a kid in her class is allergic to peanut butter so I have to send her chocolate instead.

*takes phone off airplane mode for first time in a week* *sees 16 new messages* *turns around, goes back on vacation*

I’m at my most hypocritical when I’m telling my kid that she’s responsible for her school things as I’m frantically searching for my keys.

“Now that we’re back from vacation we don’t have to eat restaurant food for every meal!” *Sees empty fridge & pantry “Who wants pizza?”

The parenting books didn’t prepare me for how many stuffed animals I’d have to put to bed.

After taking a week of vacation, I like to slowly ease back into my workload. This process typically takes 51 weeks.

There has never been a more pure show of unbridled optimism than my wife believing she could work on her grad school paper in the same room as our twin six year old boys.

So glad to finally be back from vacation so I can spend more time on the internet.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store? Me: Ham? Yes

My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out. No word yet…