“So can you tell us what makes you qualified for the position of hostage negotiator?”  “I have a 2 year old.” “You’re hired.”

You haven’t known suffering until you’ve taken a 2-year-old shopping for a birthday gift that isn’t for them.

Telling a 2 year old “Don’t make a mess” is like asking me to give up wine. It just ain’t gonna happen.

10 wanted to make dinner and mixed random ingredients like eggs, flour, crackers, dried pasta and ketchup, then baked it until it was burnt and my twins said it was the nicest dinner they’d ever tasted so I resigned and now I live on a faraway island.

My 2-year-old threw a temper tantrum because she wants to eat cereal but both her hands are full of stuffed animals. The struggle is real.

The other night I told 5 if he left his room one more time instead of going to sleep that I was taking one of his stuffed animals. He left his room again. When I went in his room, he had an assortment of animals laid out and told me I “could choose one of these”.

The ultimate toddler paradox: an unstoppable 2-year-old meeting an immovable sliding glass door.

Everyday I pick my kid up from school he announces “I didn’t bite anybody!” and you know what? I’m pretty proud I didn’t bite anybody either.

Doorbell just rang. My 2 year old:”oh! It’s chocolate!” I like the way you think, sister.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today? Me: I don’t think it’s an act.