All dogs are sons of bitches, so technically it’s a compliment.

The best thing about cats is that no matter how haughty or proud they look, every single one of them is actually a big ol dingus.

BIG NEWS: I would like to announce my book deal. It’s where I knock the books off the shelf onto your desk, and you have to deal with it haha.

Doing brain laundry (separating my thoughts into lights and darks).

Contrary to childhood education, falling anvils, pianos, and safes have not been a significant danger in my life.

Dogs be walkin under ur feet Iike they’re tryin to collect workers comp.

Gonna open a bar called misery’s company and every day at happy hour a dog will sit down with you and you can pet their head and tell them all about your bad day.

When someone tells you their dog’s name immediately ask what the last name it’s a fun little gag.

Very proud of myself for sticking to my New Years resolution of getting out of bed early. It allowed me to walk to my couch and sleep worse in a second location.

I’m just happy that 2/2/22 is also a Tuesday.

If you’re thinking about becoming a parent, I can’t even begin to tell you how much time and energy it will save if your kids suck at sports.

If you’re undecided about signing your kids up for sports, do three loads of laundry before 7AM this Saturday and see how it feels.

Spare a thought for all the parents who came before us that had to attend thousands of kids’ sports events *WITHOUT* smart phones.

After having children, 80% of marriage is just negotiating who’s dropping off which kid at which sport.

Me: *shells out a lot of money to put child on competitive sports team* Kid: Can you believe they gave me a free t-shirt?