Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face. Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

Accidentally used the voice I save for my kids on my husband, so I’ll be hiding out in the garage for the rest of the week.

it’s so hard explaining to my cat every morning that i have to go away for 10 hours to support our lifestyle.

My dog came back from daycare with a cold and this is the strongest evidence yet that he is in fact a child.

In the middle of the millionth meltdown of the day, my 5yo said “I’m just so frustrating” (instead of “frustrated”) and I’ve never agreed with her more.

I wish I had the same confidence as my 5 year old foster child jumping on the trampoline who tells me to watch him in case he hits his head on an airplane.

If 2 asks for toast, he means peanut butter on bread. DO NOT, and I cannot stress this enough, TOAST THE BREAD.

I went from Mama to Mommy to Mom to Hey can I have $20.

My children won’t say a word all morning until it’s time to leave for school, then they host a talk show.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

If you buy a box of donuts for your kids and then eat the box of donuts before your kids see it, it’s as if the box of donuts never existed, I hope