“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”

I don’t have kids so I wanna take my dog to the zoo. Why shouldn’t he get to see an elephant?

Walked in on 10 sneaking Halloween candy and when I asked her what she’s doing, she looked me dead in the eye and said, “Practicing.”

After my son asked my daughter to play “dragon ninjas” i walked over and got the box of band-aids without a second thought

Oh I get it, you think you’re better than me cuz your kid has both shoes on.

I caught my husband eating the last Reese’s candy. First of all, that’s our son’s candy. Second of all, I was going to eat that.